Anyone can bake a mouse shaped treat, but few can bake one that looks truly alive. The following steps, taken from the Squeak and Crumb training manual, will help you create a mouse so lifelike that the nearest cat will check it for a pulse.
Step One: Weigh Your Dough
Each mouse requires exactly 22 grams of dough. Anything larger will be called a rat, and anything smaller will be called a crumb. Both are acceptable, but neither is a mouse.
Step Two: Roll a Ball
Place the dough in the centre of your palm and roll it gently until smooth. Be firm without being aggressive. The dough should feel like a small, relaxed cloud.
Step Three: Create the Shape
Taper one end to form a nose and pinch the other end slightly to suggest a tail. The result should resemble a teardrop with plans.
Step Four: The Ears
- Roll two tiny balls of dough
- Flatten each with a thumb
- Press them onto the head at a confident angle
- Never make the ears the same size, as this looks creepy
Step Five: The Tail
Roll a thin rope of dough about three inches long. Attach it to the back and curl it gently. If it breaks, call it a short tail and move on. Many mice have short tails.
Step Six: The Eyes
Press in two currants or poppy seeds. Position them slightly apart, with a look of mild concern. A mouse that looks too calm will not sell.
Step Seven: Baking
Bake at a moderate temperature until golden. Remove carefully, allow to cool, and admire your work. If you are a cat, sit on the tray. If you are a human, take a photograph.
With practice, anyone can produce a perfect mouse. With a lot of practice, anyone can produce a mouse that looks nervous. That is the gold standard.
This guide is a parody and is not an actual recipe.