Every treat that leaves Squeak and Crumb Bakery has been inspected by our Quality Control Department. This department consists of three cats named Rye, Crust, and Pumpernickel, who work irregular hours and are rarely seen standing up.
The Process
Each batch is placed on a cooling rack at the centre of the room. The Official Tasters arrive in a single file and take their positions. They stare at the mice. They sniff the mice. They reach out a paw, poke the first mouse, and wait to see if it pokes back.
The Scoring System
- One slow blink: acceptable
- Two slow blinks: very good
- A purr: excellent
- Falling asleep on the tray: outstanding
- Walking away: the batch is discarded
The tasters have rejected only one batch in the history of the bakery. It contained a mouse with a smile that was too wide, and the tasters described it, in their way, as unsettling.
Training and Qualifications
Our tasters have no formal training. They rely instead on instinct, honest opinions, and a deep reluctance to move. Rye has been tasting for six years and has never once expressed enthusiasm, which makes his approval all the more meaningful.
The Burden of Responsibility
Being a taster is not a light duty. It requires patience, discernment, and the ability to sit on a very warm tray without flinching. Pumpernickel once fell asleep on a tray of cheese danishes and had to be carried out on a spatula.
Contact the Tasters
The tasters do not accept enquiries. They will, however, accept a small piece of salmon left near the door, and will treat it as a formal complaint or a warm greeting, depending on the day.
Annual Review
Each year the tasters undergo a performance review, held in the back office on a sofa. The reviewer asks a series of questions about flavour, texture, and general contentment. The tasters respond by looking at the ceiling. The reviews are universally positive, and the sofa has asked to be involved in future.
The three tasters have been offered a raise in the form of an extra blanket, which they accepted by sleeping on it.
This profile is fictional satire.